Arbitrary musings...

First off, let me offer my sincerest apologies for my absence here in cyberspace. I had to do some soul searching and decide if I wanted to continue blogging or not. Some of my previous blogs caused controversy. Imagine that? Haha... I actually contemplated deleting this blog altogether. But, the whole purpose in creating this blog was an attempt to vent and help improve myself. Why should I be made fun of or put on a guilt trip for stating my thoughts and feelings? It's not as if I am posting for the whole world to view---reading my blog requires effort on the readers' part! Why should I stop something I enjoy doing because someone doesn't want to read it? There's a simple solution to that:  If you don't want to know what I'm thinking or feeling, then don't proceed in reading MY blog. Bottom line...Now, let's move on...

I am moody. Proof of this is the fact that I was concerned about snobby people in my last blog. Now, in my present state of mind, I don't give a shit! Haha! Sometimes, I wonder if I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have some of the symptoms---impulsiveness, low self esteem, feeling as if no one "gets" me, anxiety, etc. But, I don't have what I would consider long term depression, nor am I delusional. It's definitely something I plan to look into in the future, though...Have you ever seen the movie, "Girl, Interrupted"? Well, Winona Ryder's character was diagnosed with BPD.  The ironic thing about my last experience with therapy is that the counselors were actually trying to convince me that I wasn't crazy, nor that I needed therapy. When I was told this, I secretly wished I could confront those who have called me crazy in the past and exclaim, "Haha! The doctors say I am normal! So, SCREW YOU!!!" Hahahaha! I love proving people wrong, especially "know-it-alls"... ;)

A fantasy that I have had since I was a child was time travel. Blame it on the countless times I watched "Back To The Future," and "Peggy Sue Got Married." Sometimes, I will hear a song that takes me back to a certain time of my life... For example, I hear, "Friday, I'm In Love" by The Cure, and I am instantly taken back to the summer of 1992 when I was 13. There are numerous songs that give me those feelings of nostalgia to the point that I could close my eyes and almost feel as if I am that naive teen once again. Some of my favorite times were spent in my bedroom with the radio or one of the many mixed tapes I made blaring. Remember having your tape ready for when a song you liked came on the radio, so that all you had to do was press "record"? Ahhh, those were the days!

I have actually tried to narrow down which years I would like to revisit. Now, if there were no limits, I would choose the period 1991-1997 to go back and relive, which were my 7th-12th grade years. If I could go back and relive those days, I would try my damnedest to have more confidence and also have a lot more fun. Although I am glad I was a good student in those days, I also wish I had had the opportunity to party a little more...Haha...

I would also not stress over the fact that guys at Southeast Lauderdale didn't want to date me! I would have ventured out to the city a lot more, since those guys did seem to notice me.This was something I wouldn't find out  until much later down the road. Ironically, I started off my school years in the city, and was supposed to go to the city schools in Meridian.  Looking back, those guys at S.E. who rejected me, or simply didn't notice my existence did me a huge favor. A lot of those guys ended up being wife beaters, alcoholics, druggies, losers, etc. However,I did go to school with some awesome guys that turned out terrific, so I must give credit where credit is due. :) I have often wondered what my teen years would have been like, if I hadn't moved to the "country" when my dad married stepmom #1. I would have went to Kate Griffin or Northwest, then Meridian High later on...So, if time travel were possible, there's another road that I would travel, just to see how differently things would have turned out...