Arbitrary musings...

First off, let me offer my sincerest apologies for my absence here in cyberspace. I had to do some soul searching and decide if I wanted to continue blogging or not. Some of my previous blogs caused controversy. Imagine that? Haha... I actually contemplated deleting this blog altogether. But, the whole purpose in creating this blog was an attempt to vent and help improve myself. Why should I be made fun of or put on a guilt trip for stating my thoughts and feelings? It's not as if I am posting for the whole world to view---reading my blog requires effort on the readers' part! Why should I stop something I enjoy doing because someone doesn't want to read it? There's a simple solution to that:  If you don't want to know what I'm thinking or feeling, then don't proceed in reading MY blog. Bottom line...Now, let's move on...

I am moody. Proof of this is the fact that I was concerned about snobby people in my last blog. Now, in my present state of mind, I don't give a shit! Haha! Sometimes, I wonder if I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have some of the symptoms---impulsiveness, low self esteem, feeling as if no one "gets" me, anxiety, etc. But, I don't have what I would consider long term depression, nor am I delusional. It's definitely something I plan to look into in the future, though...Have you ever seen the movie, "Girl, Interrupted"? Well, Winona Ryder's character was diagnosed with BPD.  The ironic thing about my last experience with therapy is that the counselors were actually trying to convince me that I wasn't crazy, nor that I needed therapy. When I was told this, I secretly wished I could confront those who have called me crazy in the past and exclaim, "Haha! The doctors say I am normal! So, SCREW YOU!!!" Hahahaha! I love proving people wrong, especially "know-it-alls"... ;)

A fantasy that I have had since I was a child was time travel. Blame it on the countless times I watched "Back To The Future," and "Peggy Sue Got Married." Sometimes, I will hear a song that takes me back to a certain time of my life... For example, I hear, "Friday, I'm In Love" by The Cure, and I am instantly taken back to the summer of 1992 when I was 13. There are numerous songs that give me those feelings of nostalgia to the point that I could close my eyes and almost feel as if I am that naive teen once again. Some of my favorite times were spent in my bedroom with the radio or one of the many mixed tapes I made blaring. Remember having your tape ready for when a song you liked came on the radio, so that all you had to do was press "record"? Ahhh, those were the days!

I have actually tried to narrow down which years I would like to revisit. Now, if there were no limits, I would choose the period 1991-1997 to go back and relive, which were my 7th-12th grade years. If I could go back and relive those days, I would try my damnedest to have more confidence and also have a lot more fun. Although I am glad I was a good student in those days, I also wish I had had the opportunity to party a little more...Haha...

I would also not stress over the fact that guys at Southeast Lauderdale didn't want to date me! I would have ventured out to the city a lot more, since those guys did seem to notice me.This was something I wouldn't find out  until much later down the road. Ironically, I started off my school years in the city, and was supposed to go to the city schools in Meridian.  Looking back, those guys at S.E. who rejected me, or simply didn't notice my existence did me a huge favor. A lot of those guys ended up being wife beaters, alcoholics, druggies, losers, etc. However,I did go to school with some awesome guys that turned out terrific, so I must give credit where credit is due. :) I have often wondered what my teen years would have been like, if I hadn't moved to the "country" when my dad married stepmom #1. I would have went to Kate Griffin or Northwest, then Meridian High later on...So, if time travel were possible, there's another road that I would travel, just to see how differently things would have turned out...

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.”~ Orson Welles

Last weekend, when I visited Meridian, I was reminded why I never want to live there again. Don't get me wrong--I love spending time with my parents. But, other than that, I just don't fit in, nor do I WANT to! OK, so I enjoy going to Weidmann's, since it's one of the few decent hangouts that Meridian has to offer. Fortunately, I ran into an old guy friend, and met some of his mutual friends, so I at least had people to in which to conversate...The friends I grew up with are married with families, so naturally, it's hard for them to get away every time I visit. Last weekend was one of those times where we couldn't all get together, which is totally understandable, since it was Easter weekend. So, getting to what I HATE about Meridian...It's all about cliques! For example, you can go out here in Hattiesburg, and befriend people easily. I am very sociable, and make friends easily. But, that's not the case in Meridian. If I go out, and see people my age, they aren't going to talk to me because I didn't attend Meridian High or Lamar. So, I went to Calvary and a county school. Big deal! I am a college graduate, I have a nice car, clothes, etc...It's not as if I am trash, but I might as well be...That's the ironic thing about Meridian---I see these clique of girls who I actually have more in common with than the friends I grew up with. The "snobs" that are my age aren't married, nor do they have children. But, because I wasn't a Deb, Dusty, or MHS or Lamar alumni, I am "beneath them," so-to-speak. Hey, but I was in a sorority while I was getting my first Bachelor's from Southern Miss...Does that count for anything? I am totally being sarcastic...Yes, I was in a sorority, but I don't care to prove myself to ANYONE! LOL...

I know, I know...If you are reading this, you are thinking I care too much what others think. And, yes, at times I do. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it just really pisses me off that bitchy girls in Meridian turn their noses up at me, even though I don't give a damn what they think, nor do I want to be their friend. I know deep down, they are insecure and closeminded, especially since they choose not to make other friends outside their "circle." That's really boring and pathetic.  So, this is why I never want to live in Meridian ever again.  I just can't see myself ever being happy there, even if I lived there w/a husband...I feel as if I am a square peg being forced into a circle-shaped hole when I am out and about in The Queen City...

What's worse is that I had a falling out recently with a good friend.  We've exchanged e-mails, and agreed  not to hang out for a while...I think we'll be OK, eventually...I hope, at least...:(
I love Hattiesburg, and will probably retire here...I don't know if I am ever gonna get married or not---my love life has always been a disaster, LOL. But, you never know what will happen, but if I did get hitched, I would be willing to move with my husband, as long as we stay in the South. So, I definitely don't plan to get involved with a Yankee or a guy who desires to live in the North...LOL...

I know I shouldn't get too down on a couple of friends whom I am having issues with at the moment. I have several close friends, although they all live in different towns or states...I have been very blessed...But, sometimes, even with these amazing friends I have, I feel completely alone...Sometimes, I feel as if no one gets me...Sometimes, I wish I had a kindred spirit that I could bear my soul to and not be judged...

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.” ~Kurt Cobain

I've always had this idea that growing pains were something that one only experienced as a child and teenager. At the age of 32,  I am realizing that I am still capable of these pains...

Hello out there...

Writing was a favorite pasttime of mine in my younger days. From the ages of 13-15, I kept a daily diary. Then, as I became an older teen, I'd only write on the days that something tragic or exciting was happening, from the perspective of a moody teenager. From my 20s til now, the times I've written for enjoyment or to vent have been few and far between. So, maybe starting this blog will make writing a priority for me once again.